I wrote this last spring. I never did anything with it or posted it. I finally decided to spell check it and post it for your reading disgust.
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A few weeks ago I turned 30. It’s funny when you hit 30 you don’t feel any different than when you were a kid but people act like it’s a big deal and give you a hard time about it. Apparently once your 30 your suppose to be an adult.
Lets take a walk down memory lane.
When I was a little boy I saw way to many movies that I probably shouldn’t have. Not that they were really scary or anything but maybe just a bit to much for me to deal with at that particular age.
One such movie was called “Alligator” it was about a giant alligator that lived in the sewers of Chicago. It would come up through the toilet and eat people. This horrified me. I was old enough to know that movies were fake but this sure seemed like it cold happen. So I was done shitting in the toilet. What I did was hide a plastic one gallon ice cream bucket under the bathroom sink.
When I had to do my business I would lock the door and sit on the bucket. Then I would take whatever was in the bucket and flush it down the toilet. See I was was to smart for the alligators.
This went on for about a year. It started to be a problem when I was spending the night at someone’s house or if we were at the store. I would have to hold it.
Finally I decided to try to get over this phobia. So I would stand on the toilet seat and crouch down. I would keep an eye on what was happening in the bowl so I could jump off in case the alligator decided it was time to finally bite my nuts off.
Eventually I made my way down and got my ass back on the seat. I would always check before I sat down and got off the john as fast as I could. I guess that explains why I crap so fast to this day.
Fast Forward some 20 years. The plumbing in my house blew up. We had not had running water for over a week. Our land lords rented us a motel to stay in but I like to sleep in my own bed. So I usually goto the motel to use the bathroom and take a shower, then head back home.
One night I was feeling sick. I didn’t have time to make it to the hotel, so I did what I think any normal person would do. I grabbed a 5 gallon bucket from the basement, made it as far as the kitchen and had to pull down my pants.
There I was 30 years old sitting in my kitchen smoking a cigarette and shitting my guts out into a 5 gallon bucket.
Supposedly I’m grown up now…but I know I still shit in a bucket.
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